Drought

I want there to be a connection,

but she sends no signals

except when she sees me dressed nicely.

As if the only good or improvement is in my appearance.

I send and don't receive.

Its dead on her end.

And I'm wasting my time.

I look into her eyes and see cant look into mine.

She Wont.

There is no connection,

only dry remnants of love,

hope and dedication to what was

Hoping dead connections will magicaly reestablish themselves.

Flashing Indications

My Sidekick has this blinking indicator function.
And I swear it was created for people like me simply to drive us insane.
Created by people like you who don’t think about me half as much as I do you.
But still claim to love me.
And maybe you do.
Maybe, it's me, you know?
Maybe the cup of my heart runth over and pumps twice times the amount of blood normally pumped very time i see you.
And 5 times that when you smoothly leak your intelligence so confidently that it bonds with your outer beauty to create a piece more amusing to my eyes than the willful dedication of fire ants in the Amazon.
And maybe if you took a trip to a zoo or tuned to Discovery channel you'd notice the utterly unspeakable unified power of a colony of ants that checkmates any poorly constructed unified front humans have partaken and committed to for more than 5 minutes
*cough oh not including the trends of 'going green' and 'change' of course
Point being if you saw 3/8's of what I see in the beauty of ants and multiplied by the 8/12's of me that feel lost without her.
You'd know I must mean divide,
because multiplying fractions only creates smaller factions and my love has only grown since the estimated 10,800 hours I've known her.
Therefore, I think its fair to say,
I cherish her being,

Down to her wounded and broken dancers feet.
Which I swear sometimes I want to kiss.
...It must be me.
I've bypassed Love and gone to adore, cherish and worship your being.
Because. I mean, have you seeen a dancers feet?!!!!
They are utterly disgusting like when I hear news' reports of trusted caretakers releasing frustration with closed fists flogging defenseless elderly and young infants
And just as disgusting when my eyes dart to that fucking indicator light
every 5..15..45 seconds..
because I think my peripheral saw it flash blue.
And I know I shouldn’t be thinking of you.
Because you just walked out my front door to go to class 15 hours ago,
and laid in my bed visiting the slumber of sleep 7 hours before that.
But damn I miss you.
And you haven’t texted me since the last movie I watched on TV ended 4 hours ago.
approximately 28,800 green indications that you haven’t texted or called me.
Over a handful where blue shooting stars that I hoped would say,
"I love you.
I enjoy your time as much as you do mine
Maybe I miss you.
Maybe wanted to say hi."
But they often aren’t so I make it a point to turn my phone on silent so I don’t expect to hear "Cupids Chokehold" ringing.
And flip my phone over to the far end of my bed
green indicator flashing downward against my green sheets
In hopes you'll get the fuck out of my head until there's a point for you to be there.
Until blue flashes or a knock on my door indicates your here to calm my heart and excite it @ the same time it to the point of convulsion
Making that flashing light a burden for another party wanting to hear from me.

love-life.

I'm trying to love life. But living life from day to day, it's hard to see whats to love.  My mom keeps asking about my love life.  Its funny we jump certain hurdles and call it an complete accomplishment without finishing the race, because I swear I came out to her in the summer of 06 but am finding it even harder to break her heart and dreams by telling her that I'm in love with a woman and have been for eight? months. 

I'm trying not to be a quitter.  Being a quitter on our own terms is so easy but when life takes it upon itself to cut your days short and ultimately and involuntarily proclaim you quitter status, its the worst in the world and one suddenly loves life.

That said...Its hard to keep working toward the unknown. To an unknown future.  Struggling and no knows not what their purpose, or intented paths in life may be.  So it appears that Im struggling for no reason for I havent found any light in my tunnel. 

Or Im just lazy like everybody says. But nobody feels how I feel. No one understands.  They look at a short history like my doctors do and perscribe bullshit aspirin.